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Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
11:46 am - Widget

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10:56 am - Mr. Jason Mraz...
I just purchase tickets to see Jason Mraz in August! I'm so excited. He was here back in November; my friend Jen and I were supposed to see him then. It was sold out by the time we wanted to get tickets. He was at a smaller venue.  This time he'll be at a bigger venue. I got 3 tix, we are in the 2nd row of center section.  Thank god for FANS PRE-SALE!! I'm sooo excited!!! 

current mood: excited

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Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
11:29 pm - Just Miserable...
So, I'm sick, and I hate it! I hate being useless around the house! It all started Saturday..I was nauseated all day and didn't want to move. But on Sunday I got better, then last night I got sooo cold, but at the same time felt so hot. Mr. J couldn't even hold me.  I've just been a veggie ALL DAY. I did manage to go to the dr.'s. They prescribed me two types of meds. My dr. said I have a sinus infection. Oh joy! So after the dr.'s, I came home, got my son ready for the EX to pick him up, then took my meds. I was knocked out for 6 hrs.  I'm doing better, but still feeling miserable. Gosh, I hate being sick! Thank god for Mr. J being here, he's been such a big help with everything.

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Monday, November 10th, 2008
9:41 am - Believing in...
love again...how odd is that to hear me say that? Who would have thought a year later, I would believe in love again?  I guess it's possible when the right person comes along.  It can happen. Love is just a great feeling when it's right, and it's the worst when it goes wrong.  The feeling have is just wonderful. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I can honestly say I am happy for the first time, since the births of my children. 

Mr. J comes along and he just makes me feel so alive and loved. I can actually be me without being judged or criticized. He makes me feel that comfortable. I haven't been this comfortable since my exboyfriend from HS. My EX calls me the Ice Queen cuz I hardly showed any emotions around him. I didn't because I was criticized by him. I also want to be that strong woman...taking on the role that I have to be strong for everyone.  When I did cry, the EX would make fun of me. When I did try to talk to him about my feelings, he'd just say I'm a big baby and I need to get over it. I try not to cry in front of the kids, I try not to cry period. Mr. J said I can cry in front of him and he'll never critcize me.  For someone to say that to me, really means a lot. For someone to not criticize because I want to cry ,shows me he really does care.

I guess we are all human beings with feelings. And I almost forgot that I had feelings too...I tried to be the perfect wife when I was married to the EX. I tried so hard that I forgot who I was. I tried so hard to please him and his needs, I forgot about my own. I lost my independency and my identity. I wasn't raised like this, my parents raised me to be that strong, independent woman that I was supposed to be.  This diovrce gave me my freedom back. I am able to raise my daughter to be that stong independent woman.

With Mr. J, I can be a complete dork around him and he doesn't care.  I can be the independent person that I once was and he doesn't care. He knows my kids and school are both important to me. He understands that I want to continue on with my education. He won't stop me, but support me in my decisions. Something I didn't really get from the EX. We both know what we want in life, we both have realistic goals in life.

Mr. J really completes me, he's all that I want in a man. He IS the man that I want. He makes me feel so loved, happy, and in love again. Mr. J makes me feel like a person again. He treats me with respect, talks to me with respect. He doesn't belittle me or degrade me. He's all I think about, I smile while thinking about him.  He makes my heart melt and I get that knot in my stomach everytime. When I don't get a text from him, I get sad. It's like I HAVE to hear from him, I have to see him.  Being in his arms just makes me forget about what's going on around us. Being in his arms just seems like the world has stopped for us. Being in his arms I feel so safe, so great, and so loved..at night when we're in bed together, I fall asleep so easily in his arms.  I sleep like a baby when he's here.  I am just that damn comfortable with him.  I miss him when he's not here. But when we do see each other, the time spent together makes us appreciate each other more.  I still get nervous when I see him. 

Before Mr. J entered my life, I didnt think I was gonna fall in love again. I really didn't care I guess, I just accepted the fact that if I didn't have anyone for the rest of my life, so be it. As long as I was able to live my life according to how I want it to live it, I would be fine. I had that wall up so high, so I wouldn't get hurt, wouldn't be hurt again. I was skeptical because of my views on the male species. I thought all you men were all the same, lying, cheating sons of bitches. Yeah, I'm harsh, I know. But the more I talked to Mr. J, the more I was able to slowly let my wall down and the more I became attached to him.  I told him, I am not into games. He wasn't either. So good, understanding there.

I can honestly say I am truly in love with Mr. J. He's made me believe in love again. I can feel again because of him. My god it feels sooo good. I can also say good guys still do exsist out there. I happen to be one of the lucky ones to have one of the good guys. I'm not letting this one go either. He's a good man with a good heart. I love him, yes I said it, I love this man very much.  He's proven to me that he's not like other guys. When everyone else wouldn't give me a chance because of my 'pending' divorce...he was there. He took on my situation with the kids and pendind divorce.  He got to know me, gave me that chance, didn't run away like the few others did.  He was there for me. It shows nothing can scare him away..not the pending divorce, not even the kids.  He loves me for who I am and he would not change who I am. I love him for who he is and I won't ask him to change who he is.

Is this what being in love is supposed to feel like? If so, it's a damn great feeling, a feeling that I don't ever want to go away.  My good friend told me to hold onto to that love and never let go. That is what I'm doing, holding on.  I am happy, very happy.  Mr. J is also happy and we both deserve this happiness that we have together. He and my kids are very important to me. They being happy means everything to me. They are my everything.

So there you have it, Ms. Lorelei is happy and in love again. Have a good day everyone! 

 



current mood: Very Much IN Love Wtih Mr. J.

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Thursday, January 31st, 2008
1:53 pm - Headache...

that just doesn't wanna go away....oh wait, it's just the EX. I really can't believe he got back with Fiona...after everything that she's done to him. 

I told him, that he's real quick to dismiss all her actions towards him, but soooo hateful for the things 'I have done' to him...which I really didn't do anything the past 8 1/2 yrs married to this fucker. I just don't understand why he would keep running back to that 23 yr old self-proclaimed princess!! AND HE has the NERVE to tell me to leave him alone?! WTF?? I'm not the one who's showing up at the house and start arguments, I'm not the one telling him who he can and can not date. I just make suggestion that he could find someone better than Princess Fiona.  I mean...to tell me to leave him alone?! WTF!! If anything, he should LEAVE ME ALONE! He's the one telling me who I can and can not date!!! He's the one who loves the drama between Fiona and him. And that he just hast volunteer info to me. Shit, I could careless!! I have school that I need to focus on. I did tell him, that he's giving me a big headache and he should leave me alone!!

I have class in 5 mins. I gotta go! I'm open to suggestions, comments, advice and all that jazz! Feel free to crucify me! LOL! Have a good day!



current mood: bitchy

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Thursday, January 24th, 2008
12:11 pm - Court-Dates...
Well, I finally counter-filed.  In my counter-claim, I am asking for temporary and permanent custody of the kids, temp and perm of spousal and child support, and equitable division of maritial assets.  I did tell my lawyer that I DO NOT want Fiona around the kids because of her past actions towards the EX. I do not want her violent behavior around the kids. There are TWO police reports on her already. First when she slashed the EX's tire and then she assaulted him, which both actions were stated in the police report. Then few wks ago, she drove past by my house twice.  Sending text messages to the EX saying she sees that we are home and that I was driving the car. WTF...psychotic bitch, why are you driving around MY HOUSE and spying on us!! GET A LIFE!  I have friends who's mom and uncle are both police officers, they both told me to go make a general statement at the PD.  I told the ex I will be doing that. He tried to convince me not to. I told him, yeah right, I don't care, it's for the safety of the kids, me, and my property. I told the EX if she comes around here AGAIN, I WILL NOT HESITATE to CALL the cops!!

So, needless to say, couple days after the incident, I did go to the PD to make a general statement. My friends told me, it's just good to build up a case.  So next time she drives by, calls, or does anything, you already have that initial report, so the cops don't think you're just making things up.  Then, she has the nerve to call me a 'succubus'. Wow, she's seems really intelligent.  Whatever, I'm not the one who's whoring around. I can still count how many guys I have been with on one hand.  Sad to say, can't say the same for her.  Really, I hope she continues to harass me, cuz I will just keep building my case! Some people just needs to grow up.

current mood: bored

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Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
12:26 pm - The New Year...
I hope everyone's new year is starting off good.  Mine is ok. I'm just content with life in general at the moment. I honestly can not wait for school to start. I got my final grades mailed to me last week. I got all A's in my classes. I have a 4.0 GPA as of now. I am hoping I will be able to accomplish that this coming up semester. I am truly happy that I made the decision to go back to school.  Though at first, the EX was really pissed off that I didn't look for a full time job. I told him, in the end, this will be more rewarding. He told me I was doing what's best for the kids. I told him, I AM doing what is best for the kids...which is me going back to school again.  I told him, I've out college on hold for 8 yrs for YOU to go back and get your degree.  I told him, it was MY time to go back and get it, especially after he left.  I could have finished college when I met him, but we got married, then I got pregnant a month and half later. I did manage to go to school for a semester when I was preggers.  I was happy to hear that some of my classes transfered over to this school as well. 

I don't think I'm being selfish as he said.  I am doing what's best for the kids and I.  This will work out in the end.  I NEED that degree to to get further in life or in my career.  So, for him to even try to discourage me for doing that...well, it's ashame. For him to tell me, I can work my schooling with full time work..well, it's not as easy as he thinks. He didn't have to worry about finding someone or daycare to watch the kids.  He had me at home watching the kids while he went to school at night. I just don't think he'll ever understand, but oh well, I'm just happy with my decision and I think it's one of the best decisions I've made!!  

current mood: content

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Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
3:38 pm - Fiona-Petunia the Psycho Bitch....
I get a call at school on Thursday morning. The EX was letting me know he will be stopping at the house.  Then we somewhat got into an argument over something stupid.

Wel, I decided to go shopping with my friend and her kid. Then we got to back to the house at 5pm.  About an hr later...the EX calls me and says "Can you pick me up, Fiona slashed my tire." I was like 'Are you gonna be nice to me?' He said yes. So, I called him and ask him what happened. He said he would tell me more about it when I got there.

Well, come to find out that she slashed his tire cuz he tried to leave and she wouldn't let him. She punched him and threw water at him.  He had to call the cops. But she ended up calling her sister first and tried to tell lies then confessed she did all that WHILE the cops were standing outside her apt and listening in.  They were gonna arrest her cuz she admitted to assaulting him and slashing his tire.  

The stupid EX didn't press charges, cuz he didn't want her to lose her job...whatever.  I told him, I would have to teach a 23 yr old a lesson. You don't do that and get away with it. And she's gonna think...haha I can do it again.  Even the cop told him he would have pressed charges.

When I got there, the cop told me to stay in my vehicle...cuz he didn't want any altercation between Fiona and I. I told him, well, I'm a woman, not a little kid. I've met her already and give her a few words. Plus I have kids and a lot going on. The cop laughed when I said I'm a woman and not a little kid. Cuz he saw that she is a little immature kid who don't get her way and will do anything that will jeporadize anything or anyone's thing.

I told the EX I HOPE he learns his lesson cuz he's lucky to even have his tire slashed and not his throat.  I told him, it's all Karma from what he did to me, so now he's got a psycho bitch up his ass. I did however tell him, if...IF I EVER see HER CAR or HER at the house, near MY house, or any kind of vandalizing done to MY house, VAN or me and the kids, I WILL NOT hesitate to call the cops and put a restraining order on her ass!

current mood: bitchy

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Thursday, December 20th, 2007
11:39 am - What Do You Think...
of this song by A Fine Frenzy...It's called Almost Lover.  What does this song mean? A false hope of having a relationship with the one you like? OR Being led on? OR A relationship that just ended??? I really like this song too.




Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me


Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.  

current mood: bored

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11:06 am - Necessity and Accessory...

The EX asked me how can I enjoy being single at the moment.  He's told me that he HAS to be in a relationship with someone.  He just NEEDS to be with someone. I told him, see, you and I are very different when it comes to that. I can't just BE WITH ANYONE.  I think with all this going on, I just come to realization that I DON'T need anyone to make me happy.  I told the EX...I don't need anyone to make me happy, if I find someone that'll be a plus, if not, I'm not gonna be miserable.  I think with the kids and school going on, they just keep my mind off of dating/relationships. I'm not gonna die right?? LOL.  
I did tell the EX this....
"It's like this, a guy to me is not a necessity...he's an accessory.  My kids are my neccessities in life.  When the right guy walks into my life, hey it's added plus. BUT I do NOT really NEED that accessory to make me truly happy. I can die single and not be miserable. I guess I've just been doing a lot of self-searching to see what really makes me happy."
Maybe this has something to do with age as well?  I don't know. All I know is that he told me the Princess and him were arguing and he was gonna 'leave' her (for the umpteenth time) then she decided to throw herself and wrapped herself around his leg. I told him, she's psycho and I don't want the kids around her. I told him, I see her car by the house, me, kids, van, and do anything to any of us. I WILL NOT hesitate to call the cops on her and put a restraining order on her ass.  I told him, she's nuts, she must have issues if she's throwing herself at his leg and begging him to stay with her only dating for 4 months. Again, I told him, it must be an age thing or maybe cuz I am a stronger woman.  I WOULD NEVER do such a thing, a guy wants to leave after 4 months of dating me, so be it...walk on. I would rather keep my diginity than to give that guy the superior feeling he would have over me.  It's a pride thing and NO WOMAN should be begging like that. My daughter better not be doing that shit either. 
EX told me it was kinda flattering. I told him, yeah, til she kills you cuz you found someone else! I told him, you guys must like the attention and drama. He admitted that he likes the attention she gives him. Hmmm...must not have gotten many hugs as a child huh?
I honestly told him, he can do better than her. AND that's what he gets for dating a 22-23 yr old. Supposedly, she said she's done partying and ready to settle down. And he is what she is looking for.  Yeah, but she doesn't know that he's already mentally abused her. 
I think I have learned alot from my relationship with the EX and I. I have grown from it as well.  Someone told me, that I must have moved on, cuz I can admit that I have learned something from the relationship.  Nobody wants a have a failed marriage and broken family. But what can you do right? All I can do is move on and do what's best for me and the kids.  Which is why I am in school...something that I have been waiting to do for a loooooong time!! I have a feeling he will regret all this. At least he's actually civil to me. I just hope he's not gonna be brainwashed again by the Princess. I really hate his attitude when he's around her, he's really nasty to me.  I guess she tried to forbid him to talk to me. I told him, doesn't she know that WE HAVE KIDS TOGETHER?? I told him, that she NEEDS to GROW UP and SHE KNEW what she was getting into when she got into a relationship with him.  Again, that's what he gets for dating a 22-23 yr old!!



current mood: content

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Monday, December 17th, 2007
1:51 pm - My Heart turned to Stone...
I told the ex that he's turned my heart into a stone. Meaning, I don't think I can open up to any guy anymore. I just can't. I can't tell a guy how I feel about him because I fear rejection. I fear getting hurt. I guess I don't want to feel either.  So, rather than telling a guy how I feel about him. I'd rather keep everything inside than to tell the guy how I feel.  That's how I've become and I don' t know if that'll ever change.  Maybe it will, we'll see.

current mood: blah

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Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
12:45 pm - Interesting...
My one friend is going through a bad break up. Her and her girlfriend have been together for about 6-7 yrs.  I got this from her. I don't know who it's by, but I like it. 


"Never leave the one you [LOVE]
for the one you (LIKE)

because the one you LIKE will leave you
for the one they LOVE

the one you LIKE will give you goosebumps;
the one you LOVE will make you laugh
and send shivers down your spine.

When the one you LIKE cries, you feel sorry for them;
but when the one you LOVE cries, you cry for them.


True Love Doesnt Have A Happy Ending
BECAUSE True LOVE Never Ends"

-Anonymous
 

current mood: content

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Saturday, December 8th, 2007
12:23 pm - Why Can't He Just Let Me Be?? Part 2

So, he said he wanted to hang out with me to see if his feelings for me were true. So come Thursday, I came home from school and then I saw his stuff in the car again. I was like so, you're leaving? He's like yeah, I need to talk to you. I was like mmm ok?  He's like I don't think it's you I miss. I miss everything that surrounds you. I was like ok, I told him before that if it works, it will work itself out, if not, I won't be crying over it.  I've become so numb to everything, I just let it all roll off of my heart. Then I asked him what is it that bothers you that I want to date Mr. Man? He's like I HATE HIM...I hate what he did to our marriage..again, I told him, we didn't do anything. He's like of all the the guys I asked you NOT to date, you want to date him. AGain, I told him, who knows if he's even intersted in me. 

Then we got the kids and headed over to his dad's apt, cuz his dad got a DUI and was put into county jail. We went to his apt and got some stuff and head over to his stepmom's house. (yeah, it must run in the family, they're separating too).  Then the EX started talking to me, I'm like ok?? (I was driving) he said, you know I prided the fact that you're my first of everything. I was hoping it would stay that way, so in 50 yrs I was able to say, she's the only one Ii've been with. I was like ok, whatever, get over, why are we talking about this?? Then he said, I know I just wanted to let you know. Then I told him, sorry it didn't work out, maybe our paths might cross again. Then we got to the stepmom's house, she wasn't off work yet. Then we decided to go out and eat. I was like uh oh...Fiona might like the fact that I'm gonna eat dinner with you...lol. He's like fuck her.  Then as we were driving tha song Semi-charmed life came on. That line was...I'm not listening to what you saaaaaaaay.....GOOODBYYYYYYE! I turned to him and waved! He's like do'nt do that! I was like why? I'm just playing with you!! I was like lightenin up! You were always the joker. He's like not anymore. I don't think my life's a joke anymore. I think he was crying cuz out of the corner of my eye here, I saw him wipe some tears off.

At dinner, he brought up the fact that Fiona and him are always arguing over small stuff. I told him, why are you even with her or going back to her?? Cuz she said she'll promise to quit smoking.  The he just looks at me and asked "Are you happier now cuz I left?". I was like what kind of question is that, and I'm trying to eat. He's like well are you?? I couldn't answer him. I told him, I'm more focused on school. And why are you asking me this? 

So, after being at Stepmom's house for few hrs, we went home. This was 1AM.  It was just weird...all these songs came on and I was like omg. I was like oh well, if he doesn't like these songs, he'll have to deal with them, he's in my vehicle! 

Yesterday (Friday), He called off work, cuz he's mentally stressed out. 5am..his cell phone goes off. It's Fiona! She called 3 times and left 3 VMs for him. HE told me she said 'THANKS FOR CALLING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!" MY SISTER and AUNT CALLED ME AND YOU DIDNT!!. 2nd VM: I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING HOME LAST NIGHT!! THANKS!! 3rd VM: I'LL HAVE A BIRTHDAY CIGARETTE THANKS TO YOU!!

I told the EX...wow, she's really mature! I told him to take the flowers on my dinning table and give them to her for her bday! He called her and was like Happy Birthday in a grumpy voice! I don't know, they kept calling each other back and forth. I just needed to do my research paper.  Gosh, this week has been hell or some sort of it.  I picked my daughter up from Al's house.  Her husband was at Starbucks and got me a frappacino of some sort.  I called the EX...cuz my son was home with him. I was not about to wake the son up and take him with me to get the daughter.  Anyway, so I called the EX and let him know I'll be home a litle bit later.  He's like I see starbucks is more important. I told him, well it's being bought for me. I didn't ask Shawn to buy that for me. I came home and he's like I see starbucks is more important to you than your son. I turned to him and said 'Are we together?'. He said no, then I said...well then! So, I asked if he's going back to Fiona's. Cuz she keeps telling him to 'come home'. 

He was like uhh, yeah, we need to talk. I was like fine...go upstairs then.  We went to the bedroom and he started to say...well, I know I've been opening up lately. I told him, that's good and that I appreciate him for doing that. Then he starts saying he's really confused he doesn't know what he wants. He says 50% of him wants to get back with me, but the other 50% wants to just be with her. I told him, he just need to go clear his head and for him to go to her. I told him, he's going through phase.  I told him, being here for a week, he just misses the kids and his old lifestyle. I told him, you even said you didn't really miss me...you just thought you did.  He said if it wasn't for her, he'd be begging me to take him back and he'd do whatever it takes to make me take him back.

I don't know...I find this all weird.  I wasn't even thinking about the Ex. I mean, I was just minding my own business and living my life with the kids. And this happens. What is God trying to tell me here? I am not understanding? Is he trying to throw another obstacle at me to see how I am going to handle this. I told the Ex...if we were meant to be, then it'll happen.  I told him, if not, then maybe one day our paths will cross again. AT the mean time, he's just got to let me live my life, cuz I will not be waiting for him.  He said he understands.  I don't know...he's just confused and I don't want to confuse myself.  

I know I have 8 1/2 yrs invested with him, kids, house, and all. On the other hand, there might be another opportunity waiting for me, another guy waiting for me.  I don't know...I was adjusting to being 'single'. I was liking my independency. Lord help me!!



current mood: blah

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11:48 am - Why Can't He Just Let Me Be?? Part 1
Well, as you know the Ex spent a week at the house because he and his princess were broken up.  Well, Sunday night is when everything came out. The truth and all.  I told him, I know he was living with her, he just kept denying. HE also denied that she was his girlfriend for some odd reason. But finally came clean. Reason why they broke up cuz she started up smoking and she lied to him about it. And I guess she was dancing really provocatively with other men at some co-worker's bday party in front of the EX.  He said he's told her not to do that, it was ok for her to dance with female co workers and herself.  Which I understand his point of view. It is very disrespectful. You only dance like that with your husband or boyfriend but not with other men. So she did it, and he thought ok, it's with the birthday guy. Supposedly she was drunk and all. Then she did it again, so he told her, she said she didn't see anything wrong with it. So, he left her at the party, and after the party, she and other co-workers went to another bar and back she was dancing with other men in a very provocative way. I guess he's told Fiona that Lorelei doesn't do that to me. Well, at least he gave me credit for that. HE asked me what he should do. I told him, it's not up to me what you should do. IT's up to you.  I told him, she's lied to you twice already, do you want to put up with her lyving for the third time? And I told him, she's young, she's only 22 yrs old. She's still in party mode, you know she's gonna wanna go out with her friends and party. And you can't control that.  She was texting him, leaving him voicemails, and all that jazz all wkend last wkend. HE told her to never call him til she was completely done smoking. I guess Sunday he went to watch football at some bar and they talked and kinda got back together. So, that's when he came back and we talked. Cuz I wanted him to not stay there too long, especially confusing the children.

That's when he told me they kinda got back together and all their problems. I was like hmmm. Then I brought up the fact that Mr. Man and I had a conversation about me dating again. I told the EX that I told Mr. Man that I wasn't in ready in a relationship and not ready to really date at the moment (this was in Oct when I told MR. MAn).  Then the EX flipped and was like what?? So, he asked you? I was like uhhh, noooo, we just talked about it. He's like well, I do'nt like the idea of you and him dating. I was like, it was a thought that I would date him...WHEN I was ready. HE's like I do'nt think it'd be in the best interest of you dating him. I was like why? He said oh cuz of the kids. I don't want him near the kids like that. I will brain wash them to hate him and I will do anything in my power to take full custody of the kids. I wasl ike WHOOOOA, you act like we're gonna get married. I was like IT IS A THOUGHT WHEN I WAS READY TO DAY. And WHEN I AM ready...who knows that THOUGHT might fly out the window! He's like still! He's was one of the reasons why I left you. I told him, we never did anything. HE's like well you guys act like it. I was like whoooa...if we did have something, wouldn't he be living with me, paying my bills, taking care of me and the kids?? Yeah, I think it hit a nerve with the EX. He said, I don't care who you date, of all the people you have to think about MR. MAn!!  I talked to my cousin, he's like yeah, he's jealous and intimidated. My cousin Gene told me don't let him dictate who you date. I don't undestand the Ex. I will date WHO I WANT TO DATE! It's not up to him!! It's not my fault he got a girlfriend and have problems with her immaturity! Gosh! WHY CANT HE JUST LET ME BE!!

So Monday, he was supposed to leave and go to her place. Well, I had to pick up my daughther from my friend's house and she asked if I can watch her kids cuz she has school and her husband was working late. I said sure, just ask anytime, since I don' t have anything to do.  So, the ex called Al's phone. And Al said...omg it's the EX. I was like ok? Then he said, hey when are you gonna be home? I was like hey, I thought you'd be gone why? He said we need to talk. I'm like shit...what now?? Then I was like you ok? HE's like when Al leaves can you call me so I can come over there and talk to you. I'm like ok..sure. So Al leaves, he comes over, he couldn't really say what he wanted to say. He started to break down. I'm thinking ok, either someone died or she hurt him bad. I kept asking him, is everything alright? HE's like no. I was at work doing some thinking. Then he said when I came home after work (I was still at school) I got my stuff and ready to wak out of the house. Everything just hit me. I miss my kids, I miss my house, I miss my old life and I miss you. I was like oh my! I was in shock here.  Then He said I still love you. And when you told me about the thought of dating was just eating me up. I couldn't picture you dating someone else. I was like what do you expect me to do? Put on hold forever for you? I told him, I have to go on with my life. I was like you said you were happy with your life and who you're with. So, I was slowly moving on. Then he said why else would I tell you other wise. He said her and I argue all the time. Then things slowly started to come out. How FIONA would work him up to get mad at me, so when he would talk to me or see me, he's always pissed off at me. She'd pit him againt me, she hates the fact that he's nice to me sometimes. I told him, I know she was a bitch and always tried to work you up. I was like I know the different attitude when you're around her.  She's nosing into our business of divorce! Telling him what he should do and all. Then he told me how she said to him...she will not support a man, cuz I'll be getting the child support and alimony and he'll have no money for her. And she WILL NOT SUPPORT A MAN! I told him, she's money hungry and that right there tells you she doesn't want to work forever and wants a man to support her forever. I told him..that is immature of her. So, he was supposed to go to her place, but didn't. He had to help his dad, I expected him to be at her place, I got him, and he was at the house. I was like huh? I guess he called her and told her everything. Well, earlier in the evening she kept calling and calling.  (yeah, can we say psycho? or maybe it's an age thing).  So, yeah...that was my monday!

current mood: blah

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Friday, November 30th, 2007
9:52 am - WHY DOES HE...
STILL BOTHER ME??!?! I don't know what's wrong with the 'X'.  But he's been over for 2 days in a row and spent nights here. He's just gonna mess my daughter's head up. She's gonna think we are getting back together...WHICH WILL NOT HAPPEN...LET ME BE CLEAR OF THAT...THERE IS NO CHANCE OF US GETTING BACK TOGETHER EVER!!  He's been EXTREMELY NICE! AND when he talks to me, it's not asshole-ish.  It's like he's down and depressed. I didn't want to come out and ask him if something was wrong. I just said "Oh, you sound tired, are you tired?" Then hrs later, I would say..you look annoyed...you ok? He'll just say he's tired. BUT I KNOW something is bothering him.  I mean I've been with this guy for 8 1/2 yrs, I would know if he is bothered by something.  

I haven't been bitchy to him. I've just been the 'whatever' attitude. Just to let him know that I DON'T CARE, but I'm not gonna play childish games like he's been playing!! Then he calls this morning at 8:30, to let me know he's working til 5pm! And he's telling me, he still has his stuff at the house here, and he's most likely gonna spend another night, cuz he wants to spend time with the kids. I don't care if he spends time with the kids, cuz I will never deny him his kids. I'm better than that. I'm always hestitant in letting him stay. Cuz last time he was over, the cops were called.  He asked if there was gonna be any surprised guests over tonight. I told him no, why? He doesn't want to get into any confrontation with them. He said if that happens, the cops will be called. I told him, if he's gonna be  making threats like that, he should go elsewhere then. He said he wasn't making threats, he just doesn't want to put up with confrontations.  Well, at least, I let him know that I WILL NOT allow him to do such thing.

He and his girlfriend, we like to call Fiona.  My friends have their input about that relationship.  Well, I'm not sure if I have told any of you.  The X left me back in March for two wks, his reasoning was that I was too 'controlling, too jealous, too this and that' with addition to all that he gave me, he was trying to pursue someone else. I was getting somewhat closer to someone else on a personal level. Then she rejected him, so he came crawling back. Well, I took him back.  Then come end of July...that's when he told me he's leaving for good.  For about 2 wks, he was harping me if I was dating or in a relationship with Mr. Man. (brief  note...X has always been jealous of Mr. Man ever since I took the X back, he would always accuse me of having something going on with Mr. Man) I told him no, I kept telling him no. So few days later, I decied to ask him if he's dating anyone. He wouldn't give me a straight answer,  I told him, since he harped me to death about Mr. Man...it's fair game that I ask him. He was beating around the bush and finally admitted that he's dating someone from work. A 22 yr old works there part time.  I asked him when he started dating her, he said 'beginning of Sept'. Which I don't think he's been honest with me. I think it's been before that or even when we were together. You just don't up and leave your family.  I thought he jumped ship too soon. He told me it was too soon for me, but it wasn't for him.  Ever since, I found out he was dating Fiona...he was always a dick to me.  He was going to have the kids meet her before I met her. I told him..HELL NO!! So, he brought her to the house and I was VERY firm with what I told her.  Basically telling her not to disrespect me or the kids in a mature manner.  There were times the X would come over and start arguments and kept telling me..WHY DONT YOU JUST MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  I didn't understand his hatred for me. He was mad cuz I didn't sign the dissolution papers, cuz I didn't agree with everything on it. He basically said to me...why do you have to make this expensive for me! I mean..he was REALLY RUDE, MEAN, and just PLAIN NASTY to me.  I, personally think he wanted me to sign those papers, just so he can be with her and not having the 'Married' title attached to him. And I'm sure she didn't like the fact that she's dating a 'married' man. Well...whatever right? Life goes on.

So, last night, 3 of my friends told me..something must be brewing in their little paradise, cuz he's really nice to you.  We were going through all the senerio..well it was more like IF she emails me. What I would say. I would basically tell her, it's between those two and leave me out of their mess. I really don't care,  I'm just focused on my school and kids at the moment.  I mean, if they are having problems...that's their deal. All I know is that I have a 10 page English Research paper due December 12th!!  Seriously though, I know we're not legally divorced, but I still call him the X, cuz we're not together, I don't know what to make of him being soooo nice to me all of a sudden. I WILL HAVE A TALK WITH HIM TONIGHT!! I will ask him, what's wrong, I may be a bitch, but I for sure am not cold hearted.

As for Mr. Man, I'm gonna say this...I have told him I like him back a few months.  I think I might have said too much.  I don't know, sometimes I do regret letting him know how I feel about him and sometimes I don't. I still like him, but there isn't much I can do. Plus, what guy would want a woman with two kids?  Oh well, life goes on.

~Lorelei

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
2:05 pm - This is Me...
I was listening to this song and these words described us women very well....here are the partial lyrics...

I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
 

current mood: calm

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Saturday, November 24th, 2007
6:31 pm - I am ready...

to open up talk about some of my past issues.  What I have been thinking is transfering writing/thoughts/feelings from my actual book journal to livejournal here.  It's just writing from my 8 yrs of abuse...what was going inside of my mind.  I guess it's to see the abuse through the eyes of the victim. I am ready to open that up and let some of you in.  I've realized that he can't keep scaring me like he's been doing. This is my journal...it's MY FREEDOM to express how I feel.  HE CAN NEVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.  

And yes, it's been hard that I've been a victim of abuse (in every way). I was embarassed about, I couldn't admit it to anyone. I didn't want others to think I am weak for staying with him for so long.  It was hard and it's still hard.  What he's done to me has psychologically affected me in every way.  He has made me think certain ways about other men i.e. trust issues. He's made me think 'what makes this man any different from Shithead here.'  I have a very hard time watching movies with a man hitting a woman.   I just can't watch those scenes.  I get very uncomfortable when those scenes are on. I know they're just movies or shows...but I can't watch them without getting emotional/uncomfortable.  

My (Livejournal) name is Lorelei, and I've been a victim of domestic violence for 8 years.  

I date my old journal entries by their original date from what I have in my actual book journal.  First one is from 2000.

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Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
2:22 pm - Sometimes...
I think I say too much.  Do any of you regret telling someone how you feel?? I don't know.  At times I do, at times I don't.  Oh well life goes on...

current mood: calm

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Saturday, November 17th, 2007
3:24 am - I Know It's Over....
 By the Smiths........I really like this song, actually I forgot about this song.  It's really sad....I just like the lyrics.....



Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
and as I climb into an empty bed
oh well, enough said
I know it's over still I cling
I don't know where else I can go, mother

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
see, the sea wants to take me
the knife wants to slit me
do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
handsome groom, give her room
loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
although she needs you more than she loves you

And I know it's over
still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
it's over, it's over, it's over

I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real

and you even spoke to me and said:

"If you're so funny
then why are you on your own tonight?
and if you're so clever
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very entertaining
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very good looking
why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know because tonight is just like any other night
that's why you're on your own tonight
with your triumphs and your charms
while they are in each other's arms"

It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes strength to be gentle and kind
it's over, over, over

It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes guts to be gentle and kind

it's over, over, over

Love is natural and real
but not for you, my love
not tonight my love
love is natural and real
but not for such as you and I, my love


Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

current mood: lazy

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Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
12:27 pm - Haven't Been...

updating...lots been going on here.  The soon to be ex husband or whatever cut off my phone service. There's soooo much to say...but I can't really go into details right now. I'm at the school library trying to type up my work. But this is what I am gonna say. My daughter doesn't want to see her dad at all. She said 'I don't want to see dad or spend time with dad'.  What does that tell you?? 



current mood: bitchy

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